Category: It made me laugh

Dirty old town

For those who are fans of the Pogues, they will know the lyrics of this song are something like ‘ I met my love by the gas works wall, Dreamed a dream by the old canal, I kissed my girl by the factory wall, Dirty old town’ . Now I don’t think that town had a name but somehow I don’t think it was Bellavista, Beaumaris or anything remotely suggesting anything looking nice . Naming of towns isn’t driven by people ..having said that for new towns it perhaps is (we have a few of these new towns in the UK and these probably have had a committee or a focus group to name them).

Yes, unlike children whose parents spend many hours hours of researching popular names. Hopefully being sure that the trendy name you give your child is really what you intended and will survive the years without causing undue embarrassment in the playground or on the school bus. In our family at the time of great grandparents era we have at least one relative who was proudly named Fanny. Say no more..but trust me, it might be not so cool to be called that in North America, in the uk it really is decidedly awkward.

Its not just the names , another example is the regretful parent of David Ian McDonald when it came to initials being marked on schoolwear.

Generally speaking town names have just evolved from some simple geographic description or derivation from a Latin or Roman name from the past. This usually tends to work, but just occasionally you end up with some tidy and pleasant town or village having a name…well that makes it sound rather not so nice, or even having connotations of…well anything but the intended name.

In the UK we have numerous examples of these…I could probably name about 50 with ease…but in the interests of brevity, here is my top 5.

Snodland – as a child when being driven along the motorway and seeing the road sign, for this inoffensive Kent town , my childish brain and equally childish humour saw this as Snotland… causes much hilarity when you are aged 12!

Ramsbottom – include the name ‘bottom’ in any town name and immediately it opens itself up to some suggestion of toilet humour, add the word Ram and you have a sure fire winner. Ramsbotton does have a connection with Rams for sure being in North Pennine sheep country but that is where it ends . Not a bottom in sight and in facts it is a very friendly and bustling market town.

Seaton Sluice – the very name conjures up some kind of porcelain contraption with a not very pleasant function. Now I have never been to Seaton Sluice but I am told its actually a most appealing village on the Northumberland coast.

Grotton – the human brain seems to want to focus on the first four letters here and just think Grot! In reality Grotton is a very pleasant semi rural residential area to the east of Manchester bordering Saddleworth. Nothing grotty about Grotton.

and finally…..

Upperthong – yes, that is the name, not to be confused with nearby Netherthong. Not surprisingly Upperthong residents dread that moment when doing a telephone order for goods or services and being asked their address…. the responses they get back are inevitable and yes probably funny the first time, but I imagine it gets a bit tiresome after 10 years!

Dog learns to play trumpet !

My train from Yorkshire to London was nearing the terminus and the guard made an announcement: ‘This is Graham, your train guard. We will shortly be arriving into London Kings Cross Station, please make sure you have all your possessions with you when you leave the train, including your children’. The party of American tourists across the aisle from me smiled..well this was indeed British humour, and Graham the guard had a ‘dead pan ironic style of delivery.’ Graham then went on to say. ‘I am pleased to confirm we are on time and for those travelling on the tube (London Underground), all lines are running well’.

Cue more smiles and nods of approval at this amusing yet helpful man. And then a further announcement from Graham. ‘ The London Underground is great place . I took my dog on it once and he learned to play the trumpet. He went from Barking to Tooting in just 30 minutes ‘.

Now looks of confusion and bewilderment from same American visitors. I did think about explaining to them but I had a tube to catch….to the Isle of Dogs.

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Looking for love? …then eat more fruit

In the 1960’s and 1970’s in Britain there was a well used ‘to the point’ advertising strapline of eat more fruit adorning any self respecting greengrocers shop and delivery van. I imagine some civil servant back in the day from the Department of Health had hastily drafted a memo with this suggestion for the well being of the country and hey presto,job done. These days it would require the services of a top marketing company, some focus groups and a campaign project team on a few ‘away days’ to come up with the same…for a mere 1000 times the cost of the 1960′ version.

However put this thought (and strapline) just to the side for one moment……..

A friend of mine has just confided in me her despair with on line dating. Despite signing up with two well known services, she is not happy with the quality. She keeps being sent frogs but not princes. It seems that although it’s accepted you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince, she is not impressed by the ratio of 23 to zero.

Working on the basis of ‘maybe it’s me’ that is wrong, she went on an eat well, look healthy, feel good regime and signed up to daily fruit & veg boxes from a local deli.

Well, it has worked, but not in the way you might think. The deli employs a selection of strapping young men to deliver and for my friend, she has never had so many princes ringing her door bell as of late. No quality issues there and the cost of the fruit and veg works out cheaper than the dating website.

And I can inform you at least one date has transpired…and not of the edible kind of a Moroccan palm tree!

Summer in the city ..so sex, coffee and rock ‘n roll are on hold

The UK has its fair share of coffee shops , some more esoteric than others and on day when there is drizzle, a chill wind and an outside temperature barely in double figures (and that can be a day in May) the city dweller is drawn to these places like moths around a lamp.

But come the summer we are transformed into ‘al fresco’ eaters and drinkers.

There are some unwritten rules of how to behave when the sun comes out in the uk:

1. Have a barbecue, even if you are vegetarian or just don’t like them…not having a barbecue is frowned on.

2. Complain that it’s too hot

3. Have all food and drink outside . Even if a. The establishment or licensing laws don’t allow it, b. Even if there is no space, c. even if inside is cooler and comfortable with available tables and chairs

It only takes a walk slightly off the main streets of the west end to see the smallest London courtyards can be transformed into something of almost meditterean charm.

For the city centre pubs its a case of just let the drinkers spill onto pavements but with barely a table or chair to accomdate them at some.

Some local bylaws have strict ‘where you can stand laws’ and you will see a white line chalked on the ground. The white line cannot be crossed as if so some major heinous crime would obviously be committed and a huge electronic force field woukd annihilate the offender. Ok I made up that last bit on the force field but the rest is true. You can even see it in this picture.

And finally, even a troupe of Morris Man may turn up..baffling the tourists and ignored by locals.

However our summers are sometimes short and always unpredictable. This is who we are and what we do in summer and I wouldn’t really want to change it.😎

Dentist or Torturer

..how do they make the red and blue lines ?

As a child I always considered my dentist as more torturer than healthcare professional. My childhood memories of going to the dentist were not good. The dentist was shall we say fairly old school and the experience was such that one just tried to block it out of the mind between one bi-annual check and the next. A combination of a childhood sweet tooth, non fluoridation of local water supply and in truthfulness not the same focus on daily dental hygiene that I have as an adult led me to have many fillings as a child. Dentistry then was really just all about ‘drill it and fill it’ and come back in 6 months for some more. No pre inspection enquiries about general health , no post treatment recommendations.

I can still hear that drill now from when I sat in the waiting room as my sister had pulled rank and gone first😰

Such changed days.. my dental surgery is fresh, white, bright and clean. The tv displays videos focussed on care of teeth and teeth whitening. The sound proofing means you never hear a drill unless you are the recipient.

But as a patient it’s now very much like being in the ‘Who wants to be a Dental Millionanaire chair’ . They always start with an easy question. How often do you clean your teeth? Answering ‘2 or 3 times daily’ seems to illicit a favourable response . But then the questions go up in levels. Are you brushing using a soft or hard brush? Are your using inter dental brushes?, Are you flossing? Are you using mouth wash ? Is the mouthwash alcohol free?

With every dental visit the bar is set higher. I am due to go soon and fully expect the next question to be ‘have you employed a hygienist to regularly visit you at home and check the cleanliness of your teeth’

Bring back the torturer…

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With apologies to Kacey Musgraves

It was pointed out to me today that my blog has the same title as an album track of Kacey Musgraves.

Ooops, if anyone has come to this blog in search of info on the Multi Grammy Award winning , top billing country artist Kacey Musgraves…then you are in the wrong place.

But I expect you have worked that out already.

Thanks for dropping by anyway, say hello to Kacey for me.

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Unexpected item in the seating area ..why wear Fluffy slippers on the Jubilee Line?

Hot on the heels of wearing your hair in rollers when out in town, is wearing your fluffy slippers on public transport.The Liverpudlian trend of being happy in a hairnet and managing to look cool and trendy back in 2015 soon spread. No longer did people assume that these millenials were escapees from a salon hostage situation but that these were people on the leading edge of fashion.Things have moved on and it seems it is now acceptable to wear your fluffiest slippers wherever your mood draws you. Travelling on the Jubilee line in London recently, I was dutifully following protocol and not engaging with or making eye contact with other humans and so staring at my feet. It was a bit of a surprise to see their neighbours attire!This is not just trendy London. This week I found myself in Germany in a large town not normally associated with extreme fashion…and I see the same again.So we live in a growing culture of just wear what you want..no bad thing at all in a world where the pressure to conform has at some times been a very damaging one.Enjoying these posts? Please like, subscribe if you want to get notifications of new posts and share on your social media platforms using the buttons.

Not every caterpillar becomes a butterfly

I really struggled to book at the hotel I normally use near my employers HQ. They found me a room eventually but explained they were very full as they had a caterpillar conference on.I was somewhat excited by the prospect of my somewhat different fellow guests.Will there actually be caterpillars there? Presumably safely contained in jars to avoid them munching through the hotels plant displays in reception? I also had visions of bearded botantists with magnifying glasses examing their fellow scientists rarer specimens. The scene was truly set.Anyway I arrived to indeed find the place full .But full of salespeople from the cut and thrust world of diggers and bulldozers!In fact, the very things that are one of the threats to the caterpillars world.

Ask and you might receive….

Recently I was asked by a family member what did I want for an impending birthday. Awks…as one would say if one were cool and aged 16. Anyway I had more adult response but basically the same sentiment. Difficult and awkward question, as one neither wants to give a pious answer, oh nothing your love/friendship/running club comradeship/work colleague loveliness is more than enough. Nor is it appropriate to reel off from memory an Argos catalogue number, or an Amazon URL. So how to deal with the issue? Guidance came from a surprising source.

My mother’s local priest in his sermon one week drifted on to the subject of his parishioners hard work fundraising at a recent parish coffee morning but he apologised for the very shabby and worn kitchen knives from his house that were used at the event.

The following Sunday he commenced his sermon by remarking how surprised and overwhelmed he was to find a complete set of shiny new knives giftwrapped waiting by the front door.

Continuing to beam at his loving congregation, he then said, so now to today’s sermon, can I start by saying how St John’s Gospel that we have just heard , of course might draw our mind to a 32″ Panasonic HD ready , network TV.

Very awks!

Self Service Dog Wash

I went to Bermuda recently and came across this. Now I actually know a lot about Self Service technology but this was a first. My real regret was not following the arrow to see how this works. Bermuda doesn’t actually have many dogs . I hope there is no correlation between this statistic and this cleaning method. As a dog lover I am now having nightmares of dogs losing reproductive capacity due to over zealous rollers or air drying!

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